edited.

unnecessary & excessive worries, my dears. my worries shouldn't be extended to you guys.

still, thank you, & i am alright. still hoping i can go back, but ultimately, alright. (: as always
"You really shouldn't do that to people."

"Do what?"

"Dazzle people."

"Do i dazzle you?"

"Frequently."
Two excerpts from The five people you meet in heaven by Mtich Albom. Astoundingly beautiful book, & in my opinion, much much better than Tuesdays with morrie. Makes me wonder which five people i might meet in my heaven, too.

"My funeral, " The Blue Man said. " Look at the mourners. Some did not even know me well, yet they came. Why? Did you ever wonder? Why people gather when others die? Why people feel they should?"

"Its because the human spirit knows, deep down, that all lives intersect. That death doesn't just take someone, it misses someone else, and in the small distance between taken and being missed, lives are changed.

"You said you should have died instead of me. But during my time on earth, people died instead of me too. It happens everyday. When lightning strikes a minute after you're gone, or an airplane crashes that you might not have been on. When your colleague falls ill and you do not. We think such things are random. But there is a balance to it all. One withers, another grows. Birth and death are part of a whole.

"It is why we are drawn to babies..." He turned to the mourners. "And to funerals".

"Lost love is still love, Eddie. It takes a different form, that's all. You can't see their smile or bring them food, can't tousle their hair or move them around a dance floor. But when those senses weaken, another heightens. Memory. Memory becomes your partner. You nurture it. You hold it. You dance with it.

"Life has to end, " she said. "Love doesn't."

Eddie thought about the years after he buried his wife. It was like looking over a fence. He was aware of another kind of life out there, even as he knew he would never be a part of it.

his books are such a good read! :D and it's amazing how he manages to put all those complicated human relations & feelings into black and white and weave all these stories together with such perfection. shall hop to the library soon!

got the files for bowling a'div with the results



first one is singles, second one is overall results. 128 female bowlers, and it's quite saddening. i was 71st! then got pushed to 94th. ): click on images t enlarge.
I don't know where to start.

after training went to kow's club to bowl again, another 5 games. so you can imagine at the end of the 5 games i was really hungry, and most of all tired, aching all over.

took 81 home from serangoon and was so tired i slept on the bus, and in the midst of doing so banged my head on the window legde no less than five times. and the bus was really cold so it was quite uncomfortable but fatigue kind of just took over. & the banging hurt like mad all of you should try.

alighted from 81 at tampines interchange and it was drizzling, but i didn't feel like taking the bus because my bag was really heavy today, a whopping 10 kg. so i thought anyway it's not a very long way home so i decided to walk, and passing by AIA i decided to use the toilet inside. by then my hair was in a mess and my shirt kind of soaked, so i figured i look kind of like ?! when i stepped into the entrance of AIA and it being you know, a office building and all, i didn't look like i was in a right frame of mind i guess.

the security guards eyed me like i was some i dont know, insane or something. but yes i didn't care and walked to the ladies, pushed the door open and was greeted with, hey hey, A WHOLE SPLIT BOTTLE OF HOT WATER. the lady who spilled it on my arm kept apologizing and i kept saying "it's okay" but inside i was like *(%&@$*$@!#. ran it under the tap water for a while, but it was still stinging then i decided i couldn't bother anymore.

so i trudged out of the toilet and headed for the entrance, only to find they've closed the entrance so i have to use the side gate to exit. great. when i made one detour and walked round back to the entrance of the building so i could finally get on with going home, the floor was so slippery with the rain and all, i slipped and fell. good. best part is somehow this very amazing girl managed to tumble over her trolleybag so her thigh got cut by the bag frame and a got a bad bruise on her fat bottom too. even better.

a guard passing by helped me up and it was a while before i was walking back to my home, and i arrived on my doorstep cold tired soaking wet hungry injured pissed off and feeling extremely sorry for myself.

today was a bad, bad, day.
it was hard, but now i know. it felt like a mini-death, a part of me that died together with all those, the erosion of the feelings i once held so dear to my heart. there was no drama, no fighting, just a deafening silence.

it was one of the times i felt like everything was taken away from me, and i kept asking myself what i could possibly have left.

it was beautiful, but now it's over.

it took me a little longer than you to realise, but that just means you'd be better off. but that doesn't mean i'd stay there forever, it just means i'd be a few steps behind.

just like a ride at the carnival.
it was the anticipation that i got from queuing up for the ride, and the thrill and contentment that i got from the ride itself.

but once the carousels stop turning, i have to get off. i can't let anything tempt me into staying, because i have to give others a chance to experience the same ride i did, and maybe simply because the carousel can't accomodate that many people at one go. So it's time i bought another ticket and queued for the ride again.

Only now i think i'd stay away from the carnival for a little while.

It's amazing how every single year i always look forward to my birthday without fail. Though it seems really selfish i can't help feeling that it's the day i should be the happiest, and it's the day that i should be.. just positively divine.

people are always telling me, how it's just another day aside from the other 355, only (insert age) years ago on this same day your mum was probably having one hell of a day giving birth. i don't know how people can survive a few days before their birthday being so calm and quiet and i'm always the one making a huge din everywhere telling everyone MY BIRTHDAY IS COMING! and hinting at presents/blatantly telling some people what i want.

i don't know. and even though i can't cite you the exact reason why i behave the way i do, maybe mine came from the accumulated desire to make each birthday better; to make up for the previous birthdays that never failed to fall short of my expectations.

i always end my birthday night wishing the next birthday would be better, and i'm still waiting for the time i can say "hope my next birthday can be as good as this year's".

or maybe i'm just hard to please. (haha)

okay this was a weird post, & i don't know what made me suddenly write this. was kind of doubtful about posting this.. but heck it. maybe i'm thinking weird cause it's a weird time of the night it's 1.23.
what is the only thing that settles and remains when everything else drifts away?

don't tell me love, because it ain't so/

and now now,
say it again.

SUP tired.

shop like mad today. with a mad woman. haha no lah she's my sista we're jiemuis 184. :D we're the bangle womans.

i was waiting for the changing room in this shop for almost like 30 mins lor i was like quite ZZZ. besides there were only two changing rooms and the two ladies in the separate rooms were friends and each of them tried like 7/8 pieces WTH. then this lady come out after trying each piece and keep asking her friend whether nice? nice? and i wanted to slap her.

okay but i appeased myself by getting the dress i waited damn long to try on. took a lot of photos to kill boredom but a bit unglam (one even got our middle fingers haha) so won't post here. actually i'm just lazy the photos are taking damn long to load it's super big.

today was great.
i guess sometimes when you try too hard to convince yourself, it can backfire. & when you finally realise all along you've been in denial of what's in reality, it bites you, and it's so much more hurting than what you cld ever imagine.

but it's fine. it's all gonna be okay, in time.

two thousand six hundred and five repetitions make a single truth/
hello this is m'boy and his name is like i don't know. okay max his name is max.

my heart is thumping very fast now! & for no apparent reason either. i must be going mad or something.

anyway the weekends are here so <33333 and it's a long long weekend too! :D

i really can't wait to bowl again i polished my ball last night and i miss playing bowling so much! can't wait to have trainings back as usual too

5c13 outing! exciteddd.

i'm kind of just randomly ranting? haha.
okay this is intended to be a really, really soft whisper.

* whispers : my CTs are freaking over.

:D

i am being sensitive here so i dont go around shouting EVERYONE LOOK AT ME MY CTS HAVE ENDED ARE YOU MUGGING YOU LOLOL KEEP STUDYING WHILE I WATCH TV AND EAT B&J!

so i am being very, very subtle here. see?

so cts being over, math paper, i don't even wanna talk about it. i am fucking going to get U i promise. & hate that everyone's saying it's do-able and easy GO DIE UNDERSTAND. pfft. literature's okay the poems were sort of weird and really different interpretations from all of us, and i keep thinking i didn't write enough i only wrote 7 pages and others were like asking for extra paper! esp for pride and prejudice i got nothing to write -.- longest exam ever just kept writing non stop for 3 hours.

I am dead i keep buying and eating tubs of b&js like there's no tomm! just finished my chocolate fudge brownie that day (and mind you i managed to finish it in a day) and now i'm eating cherry garcia. -.- i am going to be 100 kg on my birthday.

we all deserve better
no reason to think otherwise
first paper tomm, i do hope everything goes well.

i'm quite nervous actually got those pangs whereby it just hits me just unprepared i am. shall go read all the newspapers in my house now BYEBYE!

update
general paper today! T.T totally screwed my essay mine has no depth at all. and i'm still fretting over the must disgusting subject in the world: math. how i wish i can eat the paper and literally digest it ): okay pokes no time to hang around here so two more days to liberation!

econs paper was surprisingly manageable. one day closer to liberation! :D but i think i'm giving up on math LIT IS TAKING UP ALL MY BRAIN SPACE. and my p&p really can go and die i never study it at all, and POETIC DEVICES OMG @$^*(@^$*&^@&$( i bet you all the lit students can't sleep tonight, awfully fantastic.

jiayou everyone! :D


& by the way, don't worry guys, it's only gonna be a while.
But now i've seen for myself,

&so
i' don't want it.
any of it.
My mind is swimming.

& flooded with John the savage and Lenina and DHC and Mr Darcy and Elizabeth and Rosings Park... i've been switching between the two texts so often and I was so mixed up at one point I switched Mr Darcy with John and wrote in my journal something like 'Mr Darcy rejected Lenina's sexual advances'.

I am the best lah. haha & i wasted my yesterday away -.- must be 'cause of the fantastic hardworking people I was studying with hor. :D PLAYING MAPLESTORY RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME.

anyway so I am not going to let today go to waste! STUDYYY.
reopened. maybe just for awhile.

feel extremely obliged to blog because of today. like it's damn exciting hahaha.

it was after math lecture that the madness really began! me and wendy chiong to ghim moh to get the cake and mel zx and cy were in school doing the board for mr koh and when i called them to ask about what cupcakes i should get i just kept hearing people screaming in the backgrd -.-

we were like finishing the board when melissa suddenly came flying into the canteen and shrieking HE'S HERE ! and we wanted to give him a suprise so we hid the board first and some of us pretended we got econs questions to consult him haha while we brought out the cake and stuff.

THEN WE SUPRISED HIM AND SANG HAPPY FAREWELL TO HIM!

super funny 'cause we just sang happy birthday song except we changed the word birthday to farewell. then we sing until very happy but then when we got stuck at the chinese version cause we didn't know what to sing, and we just kept laughing but then it didn't matter cause HE WAS DAMN HAPPY and sigh WE'RE JUST SO DAMN SWEET.

after we did his farewell we did our class birthday (supposed to be 13th may cause it's 5C13) and it's times like these i guess no one would ever regret being in our class. and it's like a really collaborative effort doing the board as well! so yes all the science class people can laugh at us 'cause we're not as great in studies but WE PAWN YOU ALL FLAT when it comes to things like these okay! :D

more pictures, and a video on class blog too. (: 5c13.blogspot.com

and just like everybody quoted from mr koh:

"You all once asked me what i teach for. THIS is what i teach for."

and being the fantastic birthday police that i am i brought home the serviettes and hats again hahaha i think my job is super funny! okay but i get my rewards too like i cut the cake for the whole class -.- and i get slapped on the back for no reason by the chinyi when i mentioned 'ahem' to huanjun. :D

COOLNESS 5C13 WE LOVE YOUU






nov28, don't forget

got this uhh.. sick feeling in the stomach. don't exactly know where i got it from but i doubt it's anything to do with food, i'm probably just having another bout of those stomach sickness thingy ahh i don't know what i'm talking about.

don't feel like going to school tomm and it's so exhausting; school and everything. i'm like listening to 98.7 and all the people are like "JIAYOU LAST PAPER TOMM" and i am sitting at my desk staring at my econs notes and secretly going _|_ like c'mon none of the JCs have their CTs so early and those blasted people on the radio are secondary school kids finishing their mid-years?

LIFE IS UNFAIR

but freak it we still have to grit our teeth and trudge on.

sometimes we let ourselves be blinded by the things we thought we had,
and in turn reality bit us so hard it left us never more afraid to ever try again.


uhh wenyi hates thaddeus hahaha.

EDS night was considerably better than we expected, but the audience was like 95% juniors so it was like a very childish crowd. and we wanted to get good seats so in the end we very bhb and we went to sit beside.. MR SNG and another guest of honour some moe person. :D

i think their plays were much, much better than their dances. but mr ken's monologue was still the best! got all of us laughing and his monologue was peppered with claps frm the audiences. he's really super cute when he's like so small sized and starts to prance around the stage!

after the concert we talked till we miss the last train home (heheh it's PS I Love You's song leh) so we had to cab home. :D WO AI NI MEN.

if i may ask myself:
WONG BI QI WHAT ARE YOU DOING WHY ARE YOU BLOGGING AND NOT STUDYING?!

biqi is so scary i am so scared i shall go and study now.

i want to go back to m'sia so damn bad i havent seen all my cousins and families in ages.
very ??? state of mind right now.

too many emotions to deal with, and i don't know how is it possible to feel two totally conflicting feelings at the same time - it never seemed remotely possible. with every forward step i take it seems like something else's telling me i should move back, like it's as if i move forward i'd eventually fall till i learn to stay in one spot. i don't know what's holding me back. i don't even know what gave me the strength, and i really don't think i'd wanna know how little it'd take to crumble that wall of faith i took so long to build.

CTs are coming my god. tuition takes the hell out of me now i deserve a good rest. & thighs i warn you if you don't get well by my next bowling training i shall hack you off and throw you into the indian ocean.

"Sometimes you cannot believe what you see, you have to believe what you feel. And if you are ever going to have other people trust you, you must feel that you can trust then, too - even when you're in the dark, even when you're falling"

Tuesdays with morrie
-Mitch Albom

P.S. june now you know why i love you (though sometimes only lah), and i'm quite sure you love me too. :D now i feel so alive somehow!