Didn't really want to blog but thought i'd post this anyway 'cause i saved it as a draft. Below: lyrics from corrinne may's Beautiful Seed. Super like the line i highlighted in red. She's another singer who's strangely therapeutic, like you know you can listen to her songs and start appreciating everything around you cause her songs abt people/life are so real.

Glad i survived Wednesday this week. Albeit having 2 tests on that day it wasn't the entire reason why i dreaded it; for the whole of stupid July every wednesday has been a torture, a pain to go through. Something always happens w/o fail.

But thankgod very much, yesterday was fine. :D
August better be better.

Beautiful Seed

She's a pastor's daughter
She's only sixteen
But her heart and her belly are breaking at the seams
Her boyfriend blames her
He want to pay for the doctor to wash it away

As she lays in the hospital
A Christmas choir is singing
About a child in a manger fragile and small "Unto us is born a Savior"
She looks at her baby and cries as she sings him a lullaby



The smiles of the little ones, the most untainted.
Like how the sides of their mouths curl up and reaches into your heart,
Wash you clean of all the wrongs, of all the impurities
That has slowly crept into our once,
Our once untainted hearts

Time alone has allowed space for thinking, and chances to even out gaps that required filling. A ride on the bus, earphones in your ear, soothing voices streaming into your mind.

As you stumble & fall, take heart in knowing someone's just as willing to pull you by the waist, pull you to safety.

Let others keep up with you

What has the magical power to heal, you shall never find.

HAPPY FIRST POP ANNIVERSARY! :D

ran 4.4 today. :D

was stupid enough at first to go run in fbts when the weather was freezing b/c of the rain. thought i could stand the cold at first so i tried running one round and my lips started turning purple so i had to run home and change into trackpants. wasted a lot of time but in the end i ran my 3.3 quite fast i think the weather was too good for running. even when you sweat you barely feel the heat radiating from yr own body b/c of the weather!

there was a couple sitting at the 293 bus stop but they were like i don't know saying all the sweet nothings to each other and not waiting for the bus at all so i kept passing them by when i finish each round & each time i run past the girl will be like make the "TSKKKK" sound. i wanted to slap her! you keep sitting there doing your disgusting things then i keep running by my fault?! during my 4th time passing them by i glared at her when she tsked me again but after the glare i quickly took off to do my cooling down before her boyfriend could maybe punch me. HAHA.

when the wind caresses your face
& whispers in your ear
"show me what you got, show me what you got"
/
hello,
hello mustard bastard.

crude, yes. but i was afraid a lighter word wouldn't be enough.

sorry i couldn't handle this with more tact, but when i'm done believing, all i want to do is let you know: you live your own life. only thing i regret is to have trusted you, to have thought you were different, but turns out you're all the same. maybe even worse.

you're a jerk, through and through. it was a rude awakening, finding that out.

you can say i am bitchy, or anything you like. You don't know how it feels, you don't have the slightest idea. all you are is too caught up in yourself, too busy doing whatever it is you're doing.

i'd never look back again. this time i say it and mean it.

thought i might just throw this in;
good luck with your messed up life.
DISAPPOINTMENT

every time, every time. just can't be consistent. arms were aching like crazy today & gave it my best but still not good enough. Revolutions per minute decreased drastically, slow speed, overhooking. Where did my good performance go?

ARGH.
Before you and him cut each other's throats, a little advice: maybe you all can like

135 she's yours
246 she's his (aw)

Maybe if you can't bear the 246 you can work your exponential (?) charm and she can be yours 1234567.

gotta thank me for my suggestion.

*

What are you, karma police? when will you ever stop your raid & give it a rest? haven't you got quite enough? hasn't been fun enough, exciting enough, thrilling enough? need more victims?

And then what are you? Lapping up my half arsed face of gullibility and stupidity when i told you i still believe in you? Who are you to abuse the remaining faith i had in you?

JUST WHO ARE YOU, & YOU?

WHY MUST YOU TWO KEEP HURTING KEEP HURTING KEEP HURTING LIKE WE CAN'T FUCKING FEEL ANYTHING?

Heart is screaming relentlessly.
/tired but satisfied!

didn't let myself down during training today. less than 5 gutters, and though minimal spares, i had quite a number of strikes. only thing that made me super mad and pekchek was that i cannot bloody do a turkey! ): i got 4 times whereby i got two strikes in a row and the last throw is always damn wasted b/c i will get around 7/8/9 pins down. DAMMIT.

but a few of my spins very nice today so i am a happy happy girl. every time i manage to do a nice spin a small wave of satisfaction hits me and a silent whoop erupts from within; the feeling is incredible & it leaves me hungry for more. It has come to a stage whereby i just want to improve quicker quicker faster, so i won't leave any chances for failure.

i will not let anything break my concentration (nor let anything else break me, for that matter) now i only trust me, & i only have absolute faith in myself. (a little ironic, if you know what i used to say about faith) but heck, that does not matter, and will not matter.

i cannot wait to see myself playing the way i want to, and i know if i train hard, i will achieve.

screams: I WILL ACHIEVE!

mark my words you pea brains: MY TURKEY IS NOT OUT OF REACH.

*

sincerity
that i can feel
so thank you
Dread mass PE tomorrow, but nevertheless i want to get it done and over with so i can bowl and cross my fingers my holymama that i will do as well as i did last training. :D

to exercise self control is harder than imagined; promos are coming in less than two months and i am still rotting. everytime i recall how i nearly got retained in sec3 it is nightmare enough, but somehow.. AH DON'T KNOW.

i can still remember esp vividly the night before the math exam i was sitting on the floor and then my bed was my makeshift table; and my whole year notes was all over together with my ten year series and millions of crushed paper littering the floor around me. It's the epitomy feeling of hopelessness and helplessness because you know you really DONT KNOW ANYTHING and the exam is slated for the next day and that glaring fact will never, ever change. The breaking point came when i was looking through the 06 paper and found out i don't know how to do a single question.

sigh i shall not relieve any more of these moments shall i. spare myself the agony. :D

b/c i cannot be bothered!

"Just wait for me ok"

This must sound innocuous.

♥
Heart has finally settled,
and regained the balance it lost
& no, this time not precariously supported by external forces.
(& for the first time, that sounds like a possibility)

Even so, we'd survive; time will prove me right.

I wish you all the best.
I am super ecstatic! :D

as plain as it is, i've finally, finally changed my blogskin! after tzelin taught me how to use LJs today i tried editing my skins at LJ but eventually found it too un-userfriendly and i was getting stressed up finding codes and editing the html, so HURRAH good for me i am back with familiar old blogger. Finally got around the problem of the dumb xhtml skins which can't bloody accept html skins for nuts, so i had to revert back to the old blogger. but hell old being old i don't really care! i SERIOUSLY haven't seen anything less than default skins on my blog for almost a year now.

I AM ACHING ALL OVER FROM GYM. ): doubled with the back and calf aches from floorball yesterday it amounts to.. A LOT OF ACHES. haha. i think i played too hiong during floorball yesterday i even whacked (?) my stick into hannah's and wendy's legs (oops).

and for all my tremendous effort in working out (for eg. bloody rowing machine: 3 rows only burns ONE calorie), after gym i proceeded to tampines mall and got bought.. bubble tea, siew mai, otah, and chicken wings. SIGH.

"I'd walk the seven seas when i believe there's a reason to write you a love song today."

i keep worrying about the how the elit shirts will turn out?! whenever my phone vibrates i half expect it to be arthur telling me my shirts are all screwed up, wrong colour, wrong size, wrong printing or whatever. SIGH. worry pangs.. hate them. do they ever go away?
the moment where the ball slips from your hand yet you're in total control
to flick your fingers & work the ball like it's your baby toy
watch it roll down the lane the way you wanted it to, a ball of colour red gold black
to relish the moment of success.

euphoria, euphoria

these moments don't come easy.
a mental game, a physical struggle.

pretty pleased with my performance today. wasn't the best i could have been, but at least i gave it my all. and yes keith i think i really wasted my past trainings! I am capable of so much more.

pride will keep me going, and i will never falter!
GO GO GO

do you really think i am blind?

I DID NOT DELETE MY BLOG SO STOP ASKING

isn't it obvious? if not why do you think you're looking at this now -.-

in an attempt to garner responses to my survey i opened 30 conversations at one shot. SMART. now my computer is LAGGINGGGGG ):

I'm damn tired. All hail bowling and mass PE tmrw. Will probably knock all the energy out of me.

& i don't dare think, about anything at all.
yes i refuse to blog about sports carnival. anyway if you have read mel/zx/cy/jm's blog probably would have gotten a rough idea, and i am very lazy. :D

the movie wanted is REALLY GOOD! highly recommended.

OKAY ME GONNA GO GYM. (wow)



today's sports carnival was truly a blast, but will blog about it tmrw or something.

GO ORYX

*

after thought i decided my life shouldn't be that affected because of you two. I can be bitchy/difficult about it, but i won't, just because..

the fatigue that has worn me out, & the pain has been thorough enough. I know now.

i only hope yr conscience will prick time & again (yet somehow i'm guessing that won't happen)

i finally see everything so clearly.

*

insert tape; rewind & press play
everything else retreats to a lighter shade of grey
the past flickers like a dying flame
i struggle to stay awake, try hard to turn the page
to anticipate an alternative fate
too late, i'm dead;
eject the damn tape.
dangerous, inhumane and positively, maybe, brinking on insanity.

the shirt sleeves flutter by, and you reach out to grasp it, but the sheer fabric lets your fingers slip away. like you trying to get a hold on water.

(You're) Impossible.

don't think you know everything
because i can assure you you don't fking know anything.
so before you say anything, hold yr tongue, think twice,
THEN SHUT THE HELL UP.