My mental game is fucking weak.






A ' D I V

One more day.

What heavy, daunting material for my 1000th post.

When it seems like such a big deal now that it hasn't started, i guess tomorrow will be better. Maybe i will play good, maybe i will play bad. I don't know if my performance is enough to do justice to trainings, to time spent, to days when i felt like collapsing on the bed and never waking up. Fatigue does these things to us.. but i hope it will all be worth it. I will get what i want. Victory is within grasp.

I could cut myself some slack, but that only provides cowardly reasons to cushion possible failure. I can be strong now, i can have this huge amount of faith. But i know that faith is so vulnerable, and easily undermined by my first game tmrw. I don't know how else to put this across. I can do it. I will do it. (?)

This is taking me nowhere.

Whatever it is,
fear hope disappointment faith


fingers crossed
x
it's shocking how i feel perpetually tired all the time. i know how we all go "sian i'm damn tired" all the time but i really, really mean it. i don't know if it's because i never seem to get enough sleep, or somehow i already screwed up my bio clock long ago. i used to have this crazy habit of staring out of my window at night until i finally feel like i cannot take it anymore, then proceed to sleep. explains why my kind friends the Eye Circles have taken permanent residence on my face.

i think GP lessons are the ultimate bore. so is h1 geography especially the 3 periods thurday lessons THEY ARE UNBEARABLE. lucky for us we are skipping next thursday's lesson.. and on the week after that i most probably will be able to miss tuesday's lessons for a'div. :D

coming back to a'div.. it seems so close now. 2 more trainings, 4 more days.

FTW!

Update

tdy's (friday) avg 155! :D

saturday's avg 110 ha ha ha

monday's avg? 50.

the sky is falling
A'div is coming in about a week and yet i don't feel prepared at all. Maybe that would be an understatement.. I do feel prepared because i know what i must do, but precisely cause of that i feel even more guilty and disappointed when i cannot perform. this weekend was completely sacrificed because of trainings on fri sat and sun, and somehow i don't even mind not studying for math test cause i feel like i need more training.

The first game at league today got me a 149 which i was pretty happy with cause at th very least my throws very consistent and i managed most spares and i won the woman frm marine bowl. i thought it would set off the good performance cause the first game is usually a warm-up, the next games get better? but second game ended up at 97. 97. 97. 97. 97. I don't even get that when i train normally i don't know how in the donkey hell i got that. yes i won't deny the lanes was difficult to play, the ball skids too much and everybody did below their avg, but i don't know how i could get 149 for the first game and 97 for the next. i guess it boils down to being too easily distracted, too il-disciplined i can't even get my throws/approach right. i have a weak mental game when my basics are already not consistent.

I wonder how it will all turn out.. and when i'm supposed to be better cause i'm in vicpro or at the very least have extra trainings, it gives me so much more pressure. i don't want to underperform, but i get very easily demoralised when i cannot do well for the first few frames. actually i don't need to prove anything to anybody else.. i know. i just want to prove it to myself. i don't want to fail anybody.

it sort of devastates me.. i really want to do well.
PW results were returned after a really long wait, and peoples' reactions went into th extremes.

on another note i hope the sales tomm go as well as i think it'd be, though i have no idea how i'm gonna bring all the stuff there. maybe i should get a lorry from the moving house service.

i always can't find the right words.. they seem to be too inadequate.
yesterday's OCC training got me a 96 game and thereafter i requested to quit A'Div. Yet after training when we played our own games i actually got

9/ 8/ 3/ X 8/ X 9/ 7/ 9- 9/X

and total was 176, one of my better games. but mainly i'm satisfied cause i closed all the frames except for th 9th frame! ): & it's quite dampening cause when 176 is already v good for me, during vicpro today zhenyu got

X X X X X X X X X 8/7

TOTAL 275!! i think i play 10 years also won't be able to get. geez.


my blogging frequencies have decreased drastically with the onslaught of non-stop trainings. i know i know.. but i never seem to have a lot to say here anymore.

it's hard to adapt to things you weren't used to.
hard to plow through the blinding mess you left behind.